Finding my inner child

Hi readers,

You haven’t heard from me for a while. Just like basically everyone around this summertime I was on holidays. I spent the last week at an amazing yoga retreat in a chateau in France to recharge and get inspired. At this retreat I met an amazing bunch of international people who inspired me to continue this Blog in English and spread my messages around the globe.
So here we go. The first baby step to moving internationally.

In this post I will tell you about the Yoga retreat and the amazing stuff that occurred to me while I was there.

The yoga retreat was led by an almost divine, angelic yoga teacher, Erica Jago, who posseses the sweetest and loving energy I ever came across. The aim of the retreat was to study the third eye. Also known as The Anja chakra or sixth chakra. The third eye is located between your eyes and this is where your intuition is seated. By focussing on the third eye your vision, your dreams and your ideal future may start to unfold before your closed eyes. We were studying the third eye trough yoga, writing, collaging, music art and meditations.

Every morning at 8 a clock we started a Gong meditation of 30 minutes by two Hawaiian Gongmasters, Barbara Cole and Sarah Daigle. The Gong is a symphonic and healing instrument, working through the vibrations of sound to activate the body’s natural ability to heal itself. During the meditation you are able to hear any sound: Dolphins, whales, wind, doors, gates…
Although my point of focus was to work on my career, something unexpected came up.

During the very first meditation I re-lived a quite traumatic event from my childhood. Out of nowhere the sound of traffic came up. I saw and heard cars racing the highway. I saw a little girl standing there on her bare feet. The sound became louder and louder, building and building. Eventually bringing me to tears.

This was my very first experience with the Gongs. I felt a bit nervous for the meditations to come…

But the next morning, during the second Gong meditation I surprisedly noticed I had already managed to detach myself a little from the traumatic experience of my childhood. I could still hear and see the cars but they where further away and it felt as if I was watching them from a distance. Then suddenly the little girl showed up again before my eyes. She began to grow and grow and grow, transforming into an adult. But my body was trying to hold her back. It resulted in my body jerking as if it was fighting against itself. But the little girl grew taller and taller and eventually won the battle. Again, tears were rolling over my cheeks. When I opened my eyes I felt relieved. It was if I had carried a bag of stones on my heart that was now gone. I now could become a new me. One that was independent in making her own choices, one that was not clinging to others in her fear of losing them. From that moment on I became the author of my own life. The painter of my own paitings.
The poet of my own poems.

During a singing session later that week we sang about our experiences of the past days. I sang my heart out. About finding my own truth. About being a woman.
About being so done with that child within me fighting for attention.

Everyone including myself saw that I was making great progress.
Then on the last day when we started collaging I landed a moment of identity crisis. As I started to gasp at the art work I had been producing I it dawned to me that I was still that child. All these joyfull, light colours. Butterflies, sunlight, flowers…It tear me apart. I thought I had gotten rid of that child within me when I experienced that transformation during my second Gong session. But instead it was still there. Brightly shining from that piece of paper in my hands.

With a heavy, burdened feeling I walked out of the room onto the grassy field where my fellow- yogi’s were chatting and picnicking, sitting around in little groups. This time I had a hard time to sit down and make a connection. I was unable to join in with the already going conversations. There was an ongoing voice in my head telling me I did not make progress after all, I was back where I left off, and people would find me weird and awkward. Although we learned how, I could not manage to talk back to that voice.

Later that day we where singing the Hawain mantra Ho’pono’pono. Which was my request to the teacher. I felt so grateful that she acted upon it.

The mantra consisted of the words
I love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

During the whispering part of this mantra my tears started flowing. This was what I needed to take the final step towards letting go. And then it dawned to me. It was ok to still be a child. The characteristics of a child: Pure,open, innocent, seeing things like you see them for the first time, were in fact my greatest strengths. These were the source of my uniqueness and my creativity. I realized I needed to embrace those. Needed to embrace that inner child within me, instead of pushing it away and burning it.

After the Hawaiian mantra I shared these insights with the group. I saw many heads nodding. They all agreed. I needed to embrace that child within me. That child that makes her own choices.

A few days later when the retreat had come to an end I read the book Yogi Power by Tijn Touber. And there it was, right before my eyes:

‘ Little children live in the same timeless state that yogi’s can experience when in meditation (…)
For that reason many New age courses are focussing on retrieving your inner child.’

Well, guess what… I have already found mine…

Did you find yours? Let me know in the commentbox below.

Love, Aspigirl